The Wiscordia Conduct of the Crab People and Kyle
by Key Gee Bee
Summary: Kyle has unnexpectedly fallen in love with someone who is VERY unexpected! Humerous so read it M for later chapters.
1. Love for SEAFOOD?

Okay just to let everyone know this is supposed to be poorly written and stupid as fuck. I mean, a fanfiction about Kyle and a crab person's sexual relationship can't be serious.

Or can it?

Anyway. This idea was sorta given to me by Katz who doesn't have an account here but she's still awesome. Which explains the later relationship between Kenny and Katz/Me. Shut. Up. xD

Okay here goes.

* * *

It was a wonderful morning in South Park! The sun was really bright and the sky was blue and everyone was very happy, except for one little Jewish boy.

Kyle was sitting all alone in the middle of his driveway. His friends had all left on vacation for the summer except him. Stan was at Sea World chilling with Shamu while Cartman was in Africa for some reason and Kenny was in Wiscorida. What's Wiscorida? Well, it's what happened when Wisconsin and Florida suddenly got very attracted to one another, and decided to become one big state. Why is Kenny there? Because that's where Katz and Kayla lived. I won't elaborate.

Anyway, Kyle was all alone. What a sad Jew! So sad! SO SAD. His heart ached. A lot. For motherfucking serious.

Anywaytimestwo, he had to do something. And he did. He headed down to Chef's house, but before he even got there he spotted Chef. OR AT LEAST HE THOUGHT IT WAS CHEF OH MY GOD DID I JUST RUIN IT? (yes)

"CHEF. PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME CHEF" he screamed, even though Chef was right there.

"Hello Children!"

"CHEF. OMG CHEF HELP PLZ. TIMES TWO CHEF PLZ!11" he just kept screaming.

"Uhh. What's the matter, children?" Chef asked while looking around suspiciously.

"Well I'm very lonely and… HEY WAIT. You aren't Chef! CHEF DIED." KYLE SCREAMED. He hadn't realized until now that this was NOT CHEF. Who could it be? (If you don't know, then you suck.)

Chef began to shake while his eyes rolled up into the top of his head. His gut burst open and a big, red, shelly (shut up, I don't know how else to describe it) CRAB PERSON popped out!

"YOU. YOU SUCK ASS!" Kyle screamed at the crab person, who broke into immediate sobs while holding his heart.

"Oh Kyle, I love you! I always have ever since I first saw you!" The crab sobbed. Kyle suddenly realized that he loved the crab!

"I love you too crab! Lets have sex!" Kyle said. The crab person stopped crying and they immediately had sex. But little did they know that something crazy was going to happen

* * *

Okay so that was the first chapter. I know, it's bad. I can write good if I want, but I'm not going to waste my time writing a decent story about Kyle and a crab guy fucking okay. So uh, yep. 


	2. BETRAYAL?

Okay so some people besides my friends actually read this story which kind of surprises me. And they actually… "liked" it. Wow. What the hell is the world coming to. Either way, thanks ZeLonelyMole and uh… Dominator (I don't know what to call you) for reading and commenting. And of course, thank you Katz, Masha, and Taylor for all commenting because you guys pretty much rock. Anyway. Onto the next (poorly written) chapter.

* * *

Kyle and the crab had been dating for a few months now. It was a secret relationship so nobody knew except them. Stan was back because his vacation totally sucked balls. Cartman wasn't back because he had gotten fatter and couldn't fit on the plane and Kenny stayed in Wiscorida because he didn't have enough money to get a plane ticket in the first place. 

Stan and Kyle were waiting for the bus to come when suddenly Stan realized something!

"Kyle you have been ignoring me ever since I got back!" He said so sadly that the angels began to cry.

"No Stan, it isn't true! It isn't true Stan!" Kyle began to cry too because Stan was so sad.

"You have! And why are you covered in that white stuff?" He inquired curiously at the questionable and mysterious puzzling brain busting white stuff all over Kyle. Kyle looked down at himself. Oh no! He had forgotten to wash up after he and the crab's morning sex!

"I slipped!" He screamed! Stan gave him a strange look then shrugged it off. "Yes, he bought it!" Kyle said aloud but he MEANT to think it!

"WHAT?" Stan inquired!

"No!" Kyle said!

"We are so THROUGH!" Stan yelled and stormed off! Kyle cried! Stan stormed off! Oh no!

**_A MONTH LATER_**

Although the sex with the crab was great, Kyle was beginning to feel very sad. He missed Stan. And things with the crab had not exactly been working out.

**(Flashback)**

Lol!

**(End flashback)**

There were some good times…

**(Flashback)**

OMG!

**(End flashback)**

And of course those times you just couldn't describe…

**(Flashback)  
(End flashback)**

Kyle couldn't hold it in any longer. After he had given the crab 47 consecutive blowjobs, he began to sob. The crab was very saddened! He reached down and grabbed onto Kyle's chin with his claw, nearly crushing it and causing it to bleed severly.

"What's wrong my sexy little kitten?" He asked Kyle who was still crying.

"It's nothing, snuggly bear muffin" he said but he really meant "It's everything," … "God damnit!11" oh my god lol!

"WHAT!" The crab said!

"Tell me your name. I never found out your name" Kyle said hoping to change the subject.

The crab became scared! He was afraid that Kyle was going to be shocked at the name he was about to say….. "My name is Raalfnaydur…"

This caused Kyle to gasp very loudly! (Say the name outloud if you don't get it yet) He didn't know if he could handle this. He had to talk to Stan! So he did!

**_STAN'S HOUSE_**

Ding dong went the doorbell, knock knock went Kyle's hand on the door.

"What the fucking hell do you want dickface" went Stan.

"Stan, I really need to talk" went Kyle.

"Okay then talk!" Stan said in a very smartass way!

Kyle fidgeted, he shoved his hand down his pants, he tugged at his hair, he moaned, and then he began. "Well, to put it simply… it's just… been 25 years (give or take) of my life and still… I'm just… I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope for some kind of destination. But then.. I realized quickly when I knew I should… that the world was made up of this… brotherhood of man. Whatever the fuck that means," He paused for a moment, waiting for Stan's approval to go on.

"I approve of you to go on," Stan said.

Kyle then continued. "So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed to get it all out, you know, what's in my head. Then… I start feeling a little peculiar. So I wake in the morning and I step outside, and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream at the top of my lungs WHAT'S GOING ON. And then, I say hey, what's going on. And.. I try! Oh my GOD do I try! I try all the time in this institution. And I pray.." Kyle's voice slowly started to take a turn for the worse. "Oh my GOD do I pray," Slowly it was starting to sound like a cat… "I PRAY EVERY SINGLE DAY" a dieing cat… "FOR A REVOLUTIOOOOON" that had larengitus. "So I cry sometimes when I-"

"KYLE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU FUCKING SUCK AND THAT SONG IS STUPID AND YOU CAN'T SING FOR SHIT. YOU'RE UGLY AND YOU PUT MAKEUP ON REALLY BADLY AND HOW THE FUCK DID THAT SONG EVER MAKE IT ONTO THE RADIO IN THE FIRST PLACE? IT'S ANNOYING AND SUNG SO TERRIBLY IT COULD MAKE DEAF KIDS CRY," (No I am NOT making a reference to anything cough cough hack hack hint hint fuck you) He said so angrily the house shook. Kyle suddenly realized that Linda Perry I MEAN HE couldn't sing for shit.

"Fine, I'm going home then…" he said, but little did he know something crazy was about to happen (in Africa)

* * *

Okay sorry, this chapter is totally not funny at all but you know, whatever. Tell me how you like it and that'd be totally great. And sorry if anyone really likes What's Up, but I fucking hate it. With a passion. 


	3. POPPING CHERRIES?

Well this chapter came so quick because it was a dare by Masha to write a sex scene for Katz and Cartman, send it to Katz, then only after Katz replied to say "OOPS WRONG WINDOW"

It would've been funny if Katz hadn't said "Omfg -awesome-"

Okay here goes.

* * *

Away from all the MADNESS there was more MADNESS in Wiscorida!timestwenty 

"I love you Kenny" Said a very happy girl named Kayla but everyone called her Key! She was a FEMALE with brown hair that curled weird and was not the snappiest dresser. (I'm being real psh psh)

"I love Kenny more!" Screamed Katz! She was very angry that Key was getting more attention! Katz was very pretty and skinny and was a good dresser with cool reddish-purplish hair!

"I am such a pimp!" Said Kenny very happily while he got a massive erection. Kayla started fondling it until it started barking at her and she was very scared!

Suddenly Katz was scared but not at Kenny's penis. She was scared for herself! What had she become! She was a "ho" or a "slut" or a "penis faced fucker" as some would put it! Oh no! She loved Kenny but oh no no! She needed to get away!

**_LATER!_**

Later, Katz confronted Key.

"Key I need to get away from Kenny's hot loving." She said in a very sad way that made Key's heartache like a million aching hearts.

"I know what to do!" She said and she whispered her amazing plan into Katz's ear, and Katz was amazed by how good it was! But secretly Key was thinking how great it would be when Kenny dumped that ZERO for a HERO and then she could have all the sex she wanted with Kenny and Katz wouldn't get in the way anymore!

**_LATER!_**

A week later, Katz was in Africa. She found Cartman! That's right! He was riding an elephant and was calling people niggers and a lot of other shenanigans!

"CARTMAN!" Katz screamed as she pounded her chest. All the animals stopped and stared! I bet you didn't know that Katz was king of the jungle!

"Yes my beautiful flower:)" Cartman said even though he'd never seen Katz before.

"Cartman I need you to have sex with me so I can forget about Kenny and his pimping ways!" She said tears in her eyes! Cartman was so saddened by this he began to cry and simply nodded and they both went into his African tent.

The first thing they did was take off each other's clothes with their tongues. It was very hot and sexy. Then, they both got all greasy and HOT. Katz then laid down on Cartman's Hulk Hogan sleeping bag and spread her legs as wide as she could. Cartman kneeled down and inserted his extremely erect penis into her extremely not erect vagina. They moaned and moaned and weren't using any protection and Cartman was about to ejaculate when all of a sudden… who but MR. MACKEY opened the tent flap and said to them scoldingly.

"Don't forget to use a condom m'kay!" He said as he waved a scolding finger at them as he scolded them.

Cartman laughed out loud at how foolish he was! "How utterly disgraceful and stupid I was!" he said as he took his penis out of her vagina and put a neon green glow in the dark Mr. T talking condom on. He then quickly put his penis back in and cummed! They were both very happy and Katz felt a lot better! Yay!

But little did they know that something crazy was going to happen.

* * *

Yay for really badly written sex scenes. Comments are fucking cool. 


	4. GIANT PENIS?

Oh my god, what is this world coming to? People actually read and like this story, apparently. Two people even favorited it. I mean, thanks but… Jesus. This story was totally supposed to be a joke. I thought people would hate it and be like, "GAY GAY GAY" at it xD or something. Whatever. Thanks for everyone who comments and favorited and stuff. But uh, sorry this chapter isn't funny. At least not to me so hopefully you guys will like it.

And sorry for taking a while to update this shitty story, fanfiction was bein a bitch.

* * *

It was a bright morning in South Park except for two little boys. That's right. Pip and Butters. Now, you might be thinking, why Pip and Butters? Why would I put them in this story? Well the answer is simple. Masha wanted Butters in the story and I had to add in some character I could easily make fun of.

Anyway, Pip and Butters were hanging out together in the "ghetto" or the "west side".

"Well uh, muh-my nigga, what do you wanna do?" Butters asked his notsomuchofafriend Pip.

"I do believe we should go bust a cap in a hooker's ass!" Said Pip while masturbating with a quiet intensity.

Butters jumped at the very idea! How grand and marvelous and not stereotypical! "Well say, that's a great idea!" He said so happily that the birds around him began to sing. Everything was beautiful until Pip had an orgasm all over Butters' back! "WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING CUNT, I WILL CUT YOU!" He screamed as he tore off his jacket and turned green. His muscles bulged and the rest of his clothes ripped off. Butters had a monster-sized penis!

"CHEERIO!" Pip yelled in a very stereotypical way! Butters was coming right for him but more importantly… his massive PENIS was getting closer!

"Roar!" Screamed Butters as he suddenly stopped and started concentrating. What was he doing? The answer was very clear as his penis became even BIGGER and seemed to be… standing up? Oh my! Oh MY!

Now when I said standing up I'm sure you thought of a massive Butters erection but you are fucking wrong. Butters penis had actually detached itself and was standing up! It had grown to be 1000003984329563 feet tall, and worse/better yet, it was destroying the town!

Meanwhile, Pip was masturbating with a quiet intensity again. Butters had returned to normal and was naked, but had no penis. Now, he had a big fat ugly vagina. Named Fredericka Stotch.

"Whuh-what am I gonna do?" Said Butters. He walked down the sidewalk away from Pip and clutched his aching heart. His penis was now killing millions and he couldn't do anything to stop it. Suddenly, he threw his arms back and screamed/sang at the top of his lungs "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? I'VE MADE MY MISTAKES. GOT NOWHERE TO RUN… BUT LIFE GOES ON… I'm jus-"

Suddenly something amazing happened! Masha came out and tackled Butters to the ground and began to hump him crazily. Masha was very thin and had curly hair (I think) and wore glasses (I think). Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! The humping went on for hours on end! Butters would have quite the erection if his penis hadn't gone on a murderous rampage.

"Gee wiz, lady! You sure are horny arn'tcha!" Butters said while touching his hands together nervously like he always does. Masha just kept humping him. But little did she know that her Exknottique perfume (made by Don Knotts, of course), was so strong that Butters' penis could smell it all the way from uh… Tokyo. And also little did she know that penises love Don Knotts.

It was approximately three days later that Butters' penis came riding up to Masha (who was still humping Butters) on a donkey while people waved big green leafs (like Jesus). Masha was astounded!

"Holy mother of fuck!" she screamed while smiling widely. "That is the largest penis I've ever seen since last week!" Due to her excitement she began to sing a beautiful sonata in a three-part harmony.

The penis was in love! Masha's beautiful voice had lifted its spirits and thoughts of EVIL! But oh cruel fate, the government was approaching with cruel intents towards the perplexed penis! He had to do something, but what?

Never had a penis been in so much confusion. Never had a penis experienced so many emotions. Never had a penis stood more erect than Butters' was right now. And it was all because of Masha and her beautiful boobs/singing.

He knew what he had to do! He grabbed Masha between his balls and sprang onto the Empire State Building that SOMEHOW was in South Park now. He climbed up facing many feats which I won't explain. Along the way Masha became scared. She didn't know that the penis harbored feelings for her!

"You! You penis! Please stop, I'm scared and I think I'm on my period and I'm not even wearing a tampon or anything!" She began to sob as her white pants were now quite soiled. The penis felt terrible for doing this to his love. He set her down on top of the building and looked at her straight in the eye and said in the SEXIEST VOICE EVER

"Masha, my beautiful darling I love you with all my balls and pubic hair. I want to touch every inch of your body and kiss you all over. Please Masha, do not be afraid for I am a very affectionate penis," he said, his beautiful blue eye gazing into hers. Masha was suddenly very much in love with the penis and had to ask him a few questions.

"Penis… what is your name? And where are you from? What is your heritage? Is that your natural hair color? How many hours do you spend in the bathroom? What's your style? Have you ever cheated? How many inches?"

MEANWHILE Pip was watching Naruto while masturbating harder than ever before. "NARUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CHEERIO" he screamed as he reached yet another climax.

Back to Masha and the Penis. The government were circling in helicopters now, preparing to kill the penis. However, the penis was determined to answer Masha's questions.

"Tom, Butter's crotch, half Mexican, a quarter Portuguese and a quarter African, yes, only a few minutes unless I feel like straightening my hair, I like gothic and punk, only once, and uh… well I'm 1000003984329563 feet high so that would make…. 12000047811954756 inches" (yes I did the math)

"Oh… oh Tom… I fall more in love with you every second… I wish it could stay like this forever…" she said, hugging his head tightly.

The penis smiled and said to her softly "It will, Masha, it will, I'll alwa-AHHHFSDLJFSDLKHHH!1" he screamed! He had been shot! He was dieing! Penis down penis down!

"TOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Masha screamed! Tom had died.

Masha held her lovers head, sobbing uncontrollably. Everything within her seemed to just stop, and nothing mattered. After only a few moments she had died alongside her lover.

But little did they know something crazy was about to happen!

* * *

Yeah this fucking SUCKS ASS and is not funny but hopefully I can pull myself together and make the next one funny. 


	5. ANOREXIC PIG FUCKER?

Haha. SORRY FAGGOTS I never did continue this did I.

* * *

Well here you go if any of you actually still want to read this or still remember.

The last couple of days had been a mcFLURRY of events! (insert the events here)

However, it was just getting started! We now bring another girl into the story!

Her name is Taylor and she is an anorexic pig fucking cock sucking scrotum eater, but we call her Taylor. Now Taylor was a very special girl and do you know why? Well, she has DSLKJFSDLKJGFSDLKGSJDFLKSDJKLS (drama!)

(that means you'll have to wait to find out)

Anyway, Taylor was walking in South Park when she saw Cartman, who'd recently returned from Africa. She felt her vagina tingle and become moist. She watched as he ran through the road, his 2642 rolls of fat cascading off one another, sweating in almost every crevice and not crevice you could imagine. His visible lack of package turned her on even more so, and his greased back hair overdid it completely. Suddenly she had a major orgasm that flowed down her legs and onto the ground. Everyone (that means Stan, Kyle, and Tom the crab person) stared and began to Lol.

Taylor cried! She was very humiliated that Ed and Zu might get together and that she was not in love at the moment!

But as his friends laughed, Cartman stopped to stare. He saw this girl in obvious pain and held out his hands. "HEY YOU FUCKING CRACKERS LEAVE HER THE FUCK ALONE SHE IS ANOREXIC CAN'T YOU SEE?" now Taylor isn't anorexic anymore, but I like to say that word.

Taylor cried tears of joy, in fact so many tears of joy she actually began to drown.

Meanwhile Kenny was still in Wiscorida, and he was signing up for neopets. He had already made a blue kacheek named loverbaby696969 and a green elephante named ilovegirlz69doggystyle

Back to Taylor, she was drowning and actually so was everyone else, she cried so much. The tears of course mixed with her vaginal juices so yeah.

Suddenly, Cartman pounced on her and they had some very hot water sex.

But let me explain

He pounced on her and they both were pushed into the DEPTHS of the watery vagina mixture. While they were under Cartman slipped off her shirt and Taylor kicked him until his pants came off. Then, he bit off her bra and she bit off his GENIS (meaning his boxers) and then she pulled off her own panties and shorts with her teeth, while Cartman left his shirt on so his 293458 (they grew) rolls of fat would not completely engulf her. He inserted his penis (or maybe it was a roll of fat, neither were sure) into her hot and very wideset vagina and well THEY HAD SEX.

But then something crazy was about to happen and Taylor's special powers would come into play.

I mean

But little did they know something crazy was about to happen

* * *

Uhhh sorry this one really sucks I'm really tired. 


End file.
